Author Topic: Joke of the day (Read 5553 times)

Spatech_tuo · « **on:** February 01, 2006, 11:28:58 am »

THE SUPER BOWL TICKET

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. After he sits down, a young man comes by and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," the man says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the young man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

The man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

The young man replies "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

Hot Tub Forum · « **on:** February 01, 2006, 11:28:58 am »

socal · « **Reply #1 on:** February 01, 2006, 12:32:21 pm »

nice 1 Spatech

JcDenton · « **Reply #2 on:** February 02, 2006, 08:56:22 am »

Feb 2nd addition

Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"

His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.

Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"

drewstar · « **Reply #3 on:** February 06, 2006, 11:52:06 am »

I was golfing the other day and had a new partner named Ralph. He seemed like a nice enough guy,and played a decent enough game.

It was funny though, we were on the 8th green, when on the road, that runs next to this particulair fairway, a long funeral possesion of about 10 cars passed by. I was really touched and taken aback when Ralph noticed the funeral procession, stopped his putt, took off his hat and bowed in head in silence until the procession drove out of sight.

"Wow Ralph. I'm touched. You didn't strike me at first as a pious individual" I said. Geniunally touched by Ralphs respect for the deceased.

"Awww, it was the least I could do." Ralph replied. "After all, she was my wife ."

stuart · « **Reply #4 on:** February 06, 2006, 09:48:13 pm »

A man and wife on the verge of divorce are setting in front of a marriage counselor where she is in tears as the counselor says to the man �I think your wife needs attention and passion�

The man says �What do you mean? I am passionate and I do give her attention�

Finally out of frustration the counselor walks over to the woman, takes her in his arms and give her a long passionate kiss. She sets down out of breath and with a look of bliss on her face as the counselor turns to the man and says �See that!? That�s what she needs�Can you give her that?�

The man replies, �I can have her here Monday through Thursday but I golf on Friday��

Spatech_tuo · « **Reply #5 on:** February 09, 2006, 11:21:50 am »

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let
the poison work."

vlady · « **Reply #6 on:** February 09, 2006, 01:58:22 pm »

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, Claude was still a charmer. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts. Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler." Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he was still able to, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.

stuart · « **Reply #7 on:** February 09, 2006, 07:41:45 pm »

Two guys golfing when one hits a wicked slice that goes over the trees, onto the road, bounces down the road, hit a passing city bus and ricochets over to the green and into the cup making a hole-in-one.

His buddy is amazed and says "That was incredible, I can't believe you did that"

He replies "It's not that hard.... you just have to know the city bus schedule."

JcDenton · « **Reply #8 on:** February 11, 2006, 10:29:16 am »

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was at the beginning of my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement,

"Would the gentleman on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled:

"WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMEN'S TEE PLEASE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE!!"

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back, "WOULD THE IDIOT IN THE CLUBHOUSE KINDLY SHUT UP AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!"

JcDenton · « **Reply #9 on:** February 13, 2006, 08:27:40 am »

Many times there are 3 different rings that that reveal the signs of couples:

The Engagement Ring

The Wedding Ring

The SuffeRING

bob5820 · « **Reply #10 on:** February 15, 2006, 04:28:31 pm »

A penguin is out driving his Corvette, when he hears a knocking coming from the engine. Concerned for the safety of his car, he pulls into the local garage and asks the mechanic to take a look. The mechanic says "no problem, come back in about an hour and I'll let you know". So with a hour to kill, and feeling kind of hungry the penguin heads over to the diner across the street. After eating lunch the penguin heads back to the garage and asks the mechanic, what he's found. The mechanic replies "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin wipes his beak and says "nah, just had a milk shake with lunch".

Snowbird · « **Reply #11 on:** February 16, 2006, 01:16:33 pm »

The blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Spatech_tuo · « **Reply #12 on:** March 06, 2006, 04:20:16 pm »

My wife enjoyed this one.

THE LONELY BRAIN CELL

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" the female brain cell cried out, but there was no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel scared and alone and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "We're down here ..."

JcDenton · « **Reply #13 on:** March 25, 2006, 12:40:24 pm »

35 Years - What a Long Strange Trip

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1971: Long hair
2006: Longing for hair

1971: The perfect high
2006: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1971: KEG
2006: EKG

1971: Acid rock
2006: Acid reflux

1971: Moving to California because it's cool
2006: Moving to California because it's warm

1971: Growing pot
2006: Growing pot belly

1971: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2006: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1971: Seeds and stems
2006: Roughage

1971: Popping pills, smoking joints
2006: Popping joints

1971: Killer weed
2006: Weed killer

1971: Hoping for a BMW
2006: Hoping for a BM

1971: The Grateful Dead
2006: Dr. Kevorkian

1971: Screw the system
2006: Upgrade the system

1971: Disco
2006: Costco

1971: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2006: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1971: Taking acid
2006: Taking antacid

1971: Whatever
2006: Depends

Ain't that the truth.

Jc

Spatech_tuo · « **Reply #14 on:** March 25, 2006, 05:27:51 pm »

A Giraffe walks into a bar and says "High balls on me".

Hot Tub Forum · « **Reply #14 on:** March 25, 2006, 05:27:51 pm »

Hot Tub Forum

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