Anyone have any good jokes?

[drewstar]

Stripper School? Or did I miss somegthing somewhere?

Get paid first. And hide the money in your shoe.

/The voice of experiance.

[Brookenstein]

Stripper School? Or did I miss somegthing somewhere?

I went to bartending school.  I have to bartend to get the money for the new boobs, then I will pursue my 'dancing' career.  

[Spatech_tuo]

I went to bartending school.  I have to bartend to get the money for the new boobs, then I will pursue my 'dancing' career.  

Oh sure, we believe you, "bartending" school.  

[drewstar]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He
soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or
pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the
Annual Nymphomaniacs of America convention in Chicago," He swallowed
hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next
to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at the convention!?" "Lecture," she responded. "I am the
lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own
personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
actually it is the men Of Jewish descent that are the best. I have
also discovered that the lover with the absolute best stamina is the
Southern Redneck,"

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry,"she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you.
I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[drewstar]

Another one forwarded to me by my dear old dad:





9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours?  Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?




2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.


3 When people say " Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right!  What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!


5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it?  If it's new, then there has never been anything before it.  If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8   When people say "life is short". What the hell??  Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!  What can you do that's longer?


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks  "Has the bus come yet?".  If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

[LtDan]

You're on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a

sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the

same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo -

your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the

same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out

of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk @$$ off the merry-go-round!

[r100rs]

This really isn't a joke but just my weird sense of humor.

I was going to work the other night, and the moon was full.  By the time I got to work the clouds had rolled in
My co-workers asked if I had seen the full moon?
Yes I had but I had told them I hadn't.  Then with out skipping a beat I informed that I did take a shower earlier and if that counted.      

That was more than they wanted to know and probably you too.

r100rs

[96SC]

Two guys from Alabama were standing under a flag pole that had a broken rope.  1st guys says,' we gotsta fix this rope so's we can raise the flag for the before the Hog hollerin' contest tonight.  2nd guy, 'yea, but how much rope we gotta have?'  The two guys look at each other not knowing how to measure how tall the pole is so they can install enough rope.

About that time a young attractive blonde comes by and asks the guys what they're doing.  'Ya'll wouldn't anythin' about this but we's trying to figure out how tall this pole is so's we can put a new rope on it'.  The blonde gets a wrench and removes the bolts that support the pole to the ground.  She lays the pole down and measures it.  ' 24 feet long' she says and goes on her way.

The two guys look at each other, ' Ain't that the dumbest blonde you've ever seen?'  'She tells us how long it is and we want to know how tall it is'.

***********
Guy gets into a taxi and the driver takes off.  A few blocks down the street the passenger taps the driver on the shoulder.  All of a sudden the driver swerves to the right, then to the left, goes onto the sidewalk, back into the street, darts in front of 3 semis and finally stops just a few feet from driving into a day care center.

The driver jumps out of the taxi and starts yelling at the passenger,' don't you ever tap me on the shoulder like that again, you scared the hell out of me'.  The passenger apologized as best he could, the driver then says the mishap may be partially his fault.  This was his first day as a taxi driver, for the past 25 years he'd been driving a hearse.

[cappykat]

Two rather elderly ladies were sitting through a more than lengthy church sermon when one leaned over to the other and said "my butt is going to sleep". The other replied,  "I know, I heard it snoring 3 times already"  

[drewstar]

my friend just sent me this....it was titled "Gotta love the Irish"

I'm not a big fan of Bono's agrrogant pontifications, so I got a kick out of it:


Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone..."Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence..."Fookin stop doing it then!"

 

[Campsalot]

It was a sweltering August day in 1937 when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker. "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."

Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."

After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building.

Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car.

"Please step inside, Mr. Ford."

"What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!"

"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button."

Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool.

"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"

Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused. "And there is something else: The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-Conditioning' must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!"

"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!'

They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' name would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.

And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel: NORM, HI and MAX