Anyone have any good jokes?

[Spatech_tuo]

A SWEET STORY ABOUT ITALIAN COOKIES.................

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining  strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen, where, if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing  him back to life. The aged and withered hand  trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.................


"Get out of here," she shouted, "They're for the  funeral."

[hotubinn]

A farmer walks in to the kitchen holding a duck under his arm.  The farmer says, "this is the pig that I have been having relations with."  His wife responds, "That's not a pig that's a duck!"  The farmer replies, "who said I was talking to you!"

[Salty_Ag]

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent to
interview him.

"Chief" asked one Official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded
in agreement.

The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and
then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running
it."

"No taxes."

"No debt."

"Plenty buffalo."

"Plenty beaver."

"Women did all the work."

"Medicine man free."

"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."

"All night having sex."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to
think he could improve system like that."

[Salty_Ag]

Okay here's another one...

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the
pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown,
tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and
says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a
woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is
totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he
sh%%s in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

[The_Big_Spa_Fairy]

Oh my. That might not be very pleasant.

The Easter bunny told me a good one, but I can never remember the punch line.

I'll get back to you.

[LtDan]

FYI: The names have been changed to incriminate the innocent.

Drewski has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Texas as far from humanity as possible. Drewski sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bald Texas hot tub salesman standing there.
"Name's Term... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Drewski, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Term is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'and cigar smokin' ."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink and smoke with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Term stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn", Drewski thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Term turns from the door. "I've seen some wild hottub sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Drewski, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Term stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

[JcDenton]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

[Snowbird]

FYI: The names have been changed to incriminate the innocent.

Drewski has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Texas as far from humanity as possible. Drewski sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bald Texas hot tub salesman standing there.
"Name's Term... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Drewski, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Term is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'and cigar smokin' ."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink and smoke with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Term stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn", Drewski thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Term turns from the door. "I've seen some wild hottub sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Drewski, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Term stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

[size=18]Now that's funny.  If'n you don't think that's funny you better git on outta here.  When do I git my turn in that thar tub thangy with you Term? I'll wear this here shirt and my edible underbritches. [/size][/color]

[spaman-]

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the hot tub?

Stu.

WHat ya call the same guy in a pile of leaves?
RUSSEL

same guy waterskiing?
SKIP

Same guy in a hole?
PhIL

same guy on ya door step ?
Matt

Same guy on the wall?
ART

Same guy in a pool?
BOB

Funny thing is his original name was Stan.

[Snowbird]

[size=16]I was in my back yard yesterday, trying to fly a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few seconds, then it came crashing  back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching me from the kitchen window, muttering  to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."

I turned with a confused look on my face and said to her, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."[/size][/b]

[rach24]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you Get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, Shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here
at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

[Brookenstein]

Thanks for all the jokes, they were a big help.

I went and graduated last night, so I won't be needing them anymore.

[Spatech_tuo]

Thanks for all the jokes, they were a big help.

I went and graduated last night, so I won't be needing them anymore.

Too bad, we're not stopping!!!

[Brookenstein]

I'm excited... less than 24 hours after 'graduating' I tentatively have my first private party lined up.  Yeah!!!!

[wmccall]

I'm excited... less than 24 hours after 'graduating' I tentatively have my first private party lined up.  Yeah!!!!

Stripper School? Or did I miss somegthing somewhere?