Anyone have any good jokes?

[bosco0633]

A Day at the Races.

A group of 1st, 2nd and 3rd graders, accompanied by
two female teachers
went on a field trip to the local race track
to learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet,
it was decided that the girls would go
with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The female teacher assigned to
the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when one of the boys came out and
told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the
little boys up by their arm pits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he
was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
"You must be in the 3rd!"
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm in the 7th, riding SeaBiscuit... but
thanks."

[bosco0633]

Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome .
One leans over to the other and says ,
"You know, I've never come this way before ."
The other nun whispers , "It's the cobblestones."

[hotubinn]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy!

[drewstar]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy!

The punch line I heard was

hey! how do you get a nun pregnant?

You f__k her!

Rude, but funny...or not.

Another one....

What do  women say after having the most pleasuable, intense, fuflling sexual experince of thier entire life?

"Thanks Drewstar!"

[Snowbird]

What do  women say after having the most pleasuable, intense, fuflling sexual experince of thier entire life?

"Thanks Drewstar!"  

So, is it appropriate this is posted under the joke thread?

[drewstar]

So, is it appropriate this is posted under the joke thread?
 

Sure. Go ahead and pick on me.

You'll be telling the joke tonigt at the bar.  

[Wisoki]

Man did I have to clean this up.....

Some lovely young women having a day at the zoo decided to stop looking at the animals and have lunch.

While dining on their sack lunches across from the gorilla exhibit one of the youg lovelies removed a bannana from her bag.

She noticed one of the gorillas staring right at her bannana with intense desire, so she told her girlfriends she was going to give the big ape her bannana.

Just as she was stretching out to give the tasty fruit to the ape, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her into the Gorilla compund where he showed her his desire was not for the bannana, but for HER.

The gorilla took his desire out on her every way imaginable to man or beast as her friends watched frozen in horror.

FORTY minutes later, when the brutal animal was finished with his captive, he tossed her from the cage into a heap on the side walk, where the paramedics were waiting to take her to the hospital.

After a week the doctors felt she was well enough to receive visitors.

All her girlfriends were there to comfort and support her and when asked if she was OK she replied...

"OK, how can I possibly be OK, he doesn't write...he doesn't call!

[Chas]

Bob.

[Snowbird]

[size=16]I love blonde jokes
---

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.  The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

---

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"  So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

---

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.  She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

---

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.  She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, What's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

---

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

---

Bambi is a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

---

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?  They send me a BLIND policeman"

---

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.

Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little moron on your knee."
[/size]

[JcDenton]

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog’s death. But, unfortunately, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there’s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I’ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick: "$500? Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

[sharkman009]

A guy goes in an adult store in New York City, and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christain or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "the Muslim one blows itself up."

[PaulMc]

 "Toronto Court Ruling"

Toronto,Canada (AP) -A seven year old boy was at the center of a Toronto courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[JcDenton]

"Toronto Court Ruling"

Toronto,Canada (AP) -A seven year old boy was at the center of a Toronto courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

 After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

I love it!

[Wisoki]

"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not," she said.
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money.
"Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"

[drewstar]

Dear Mrs. Drewstar,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr.Drewstar, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all these incidents with our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are now attending counseling for the emotional stress caused from the trouble your husband has created. All of our complaints against Mr. Drewstar have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Zimbrowski,

Wal-Mart Complaint Department

Carthage, MO



MEMO

Re: Mr. Drewstar  Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Drewstar  has done while his wife is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they were not looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to individually go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and watched to see what would happen.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he fell to the floor in the fetal position and while loudly sucking his thumb, screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"



(And, last, but not least!)



15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited several minutes. Then, yelled, very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!"