Anyone have any good jokes?

[Brookenstein]

Ok... I just went back to school and the homework each night is to find some jokes and share with the class each day.  They can be totally dirty, pollitically incorrect, etc.  I just have to be comfortable telling it, lol.

I've googled  jokes and have found some that way, but I thought it would be better to see what other people found funny.  The jokes I found J thought were stupid, and the jokes I found he thought were lame.

So... please post your jokes here OR if they are too inappropriate, please e-mail me so we can keep this in the  PG-13 area.

TIA!

[drewstar]

Two irish  men walk out of a bar.

[shabba34]

What do you call a Mexican baptism?


Bean Dip!

It's an old one.

[JcDenton]

Couple of good ones in here Brooke.  

http://www.whatsthebest-hottub.com/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl?board=Backporch;action=display;num=1138811338

[sharkman009]

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the hot tub?

Stu.

[East_TX_Spa]

Boudreaux and Leroix were de bestest of friends and lived in a shack on one side of de Atchafalaya River.  Der arch enemy Clarence lived on de udder side.  Clarence would always be doin' mean tings to Boudreaux and Leroix: stealin' der mudbugs, ringin' der chickens' necks, cuttin' der trotlines.  He would always be doin' dis deviltry in de dark of night.

When de sun come up, Clarence was always back on his side of de river.

Finally, Boudreaux had had his last straw.  "Ima goin' to go over de Atchafalaya Bridge and kick Clarence smack dab in his ass!"

"You go get 'im Boudreaux.  Kick him in de ass but good!"

So Boudreaux headed to de bridge to go kick de fire out of Clarence's behind.

'Bout 10 minutes later, Boudreaux comes slinkin' back to his and Leroix's house wif his tail betwixt his legs.

"Boy, dat didn't take take long.  Did he put up much of a fight?"

"Leroix, I didn't go.  I got down der to dat bridge and on it was a sign dat said "Clearance: 12 feet 6 inches".  If Clarence be 12 and a half feet tall, he welcome to all de mudbugs he want!"

Terminator

[stuart]

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the hot tub?

Stu.

Watch it!!!

[salesdvl]

Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"

What's the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?  His ass.

[Chas]

FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT THE SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT. . .

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well.  Hope you are. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Marine Corp beats working for old man Minch by a mile.

Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 am, but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split or fire to lay.  Men got to shave, but it's not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit, juice, cereal, eggs, bacon etc . . . but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit next to the two city boys who live on coffee.  Their food plus yours hold you 'til noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.  We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.  If he thinks so it's not  my place to tell him different.  A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.  The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher.  He nags a lot.  The Captain is like the school board.  Majors and Colonels just ride ar! ound and frown.  They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for shooting.  I don't know why.  The bulls-eye is bout as big as a chipmunk's head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higget boys at home.  All you got to do is lie all comfortable and hit it.  You don't even load your own cartridges, they come in boxes.  

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training!  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.  I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from Silver Lake.  I only beat him once.  He joined up same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt! and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your Loving Daughter,
Gail

[Tatooed_Lady]

Sarah was on her deathbed, and she gave final instructions to her husband, Stewart.

“Stewart, you’ve been so good to me all these years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that I’m going, I want you to marry again as soon as is possible and I want you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes.”

“I can’t do that, darling”, Stewart said. “You’re a size 16 and she’s only a 10.”

+++++

"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"

+++++

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a
redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to
study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word
they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the
microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they
thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

+++++
A car is driving down the street when all of a sudden it starts violently swerving across the road.

The car keeps going back and forth, delaying traffic for miles until someone finally phones the police.

A police officer pulls the car over and approaches the window. A blonde rolls down the window. "Excuse me, ma'am, but is there any explanation for your reckless driving?" he says.

The blonde says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. There was a tree in the road, and I swerved. Then I saw another tree, and another, right in the middle of the road! So I had to swerve to keep from hitting them!"

The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

+++++

they're not mine, but I still like 'em.

[Brookenstein]

Thanks for all the jokes and keep em coming.. I have to tell one every night until I graduate.  

[Spatech_tuo]

Thanks for all the jokes and keep em coming.. I have to tell one every night until I graduate.  

http://jokes.comedycentral.com/jokeOfDay.asp

[Brewman]

Jesus in the Restaurant:

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress
for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus
sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a
booth, painfully sat own, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced
across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches.

He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered,

"Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!"

He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked,

"Is that God's boy over there?"

The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke,
"On my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed."

The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did
a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.

The Redneck jumped up and yelled,

"Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability

[drewstar]

I jsut heard this... I thought it was from our fourm, but I don't see it....so I appologize if this is a repeat.



A polish man asks the clerk at the counter for one pound of Keibasa

"You're Polish, aren't you?"

Insulted, than sharply replies back "Why! ? Why do you assume I'm Polish? ? ! ! Just because I am buying kiebasa?!If I asked for a pound of bean dip, would you assume I'm mexican?? ! If has asked for a pound of corned beef,  would you think I'm Irish?!

"Sir, this is a Home Depot"

[sharkman009]

Watch it!!!

You do have your arms and legs dont you?