True stories to make ya smile

[r100rs]

This could be hottub related - but you'd have to use your imagination ----

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Testimonials of a few people who did.

1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow-job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word, he knew better.

2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts! As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I am just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned and I  turned beet-red and walked away. This, my sister has never let me forget.

4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I'll tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.

5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on at him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, did you have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time,"Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread
his cheeks and yelled: "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing. He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

r100rs

[spahappy]

Those were all funny!

This actually happened to me several years ago. I was selling spas at a sports show, by the third day I was getting tounge tried from talking so much. I just happened to be pitching a spa to a very good looking guy and several of his friends. I was discussing the difference between standard and economy mode and the benifits of both.

What I meant to say was..If you're the kind of guy that likes to get up in the morning and use your spa...yada yada.

What I said was...If you're the kinda guy that gets it up in the morning and wants to use his spa...

Well as I remember they laughed all the way out of the booth, and I've never used that analogy again...

[East_TX_Spa]

Funny, funny stuff!

Some of the "foot in mouth" moments in our family:

1.  I had a green pair of boxer shorts that I wore around the house sometimes.  When my daughter was 4, she was more than happy to inform my mother-in-law that "Daddy wears big green panties."

2.  My daughter's great-grandmother taught Savanna to refer to her private's as her "twat". (Ugghh!)  One evening, Savanna wanted to wrestle with me.  I told her I didn't feel like it.  "Daddy, I promise I won't kick you in your twat this time."

3.  My sister in law should be blonde.  I was wearing a golf cap that said "Titleist" on it.  My SIL kept looking at it and finally said "Tit Liced, what is that?"  I told her "That's what you get when you don't keep your bra clean."

I'm sure I'll remember some others.

Terminator

[Lablover2004]

embarassingly funny

[East_TX_Spa]

While waiting tables at a Mexican food restaurant in Norman, OK, I was having a good time with a man, his wife and daughter, and their friends.  We had all been carrying on, bantering back and forth, and swapping stories.  I had them laughing pretty good with my down home humor.

The man said to me "Son, you must be from Texas!"

Me: "Yessir!  How'd you know that?"

Man: "'Cause you sure do have a twang on you."

I looked down slowly, looked up, and said "Well, I appreciate it but I thought my apron covered it up."

He dang near had a heart attack from laughing.  His wife looked pretty mortified, though.  His daughter just kind of smiled and looked at my apron again.  Got a $20 tip!

Terminator

[stuart]

While waiting tables at a Mexican food restaurant in Norman, OK, I was having a good time with a man, his wife and daughter, and their friends.  We had all been carrying on, bantering back and forth, and swapping stories.  I had them laughing pretty good with my down home humor.

The man said to me "Son, you must be from Texas!"

Me: "Yessir!  How'd you know that?"

Man: "'Cause you sure do have a twang on you."

I looked down slowly, looked up, and said "Well, I appreciate it but I thought my apron covered it up."

He dang near had a heart attack from laughing.  His wife looked pretty mortified, though.  His daughter just kind of smiled and looked at my apron again.  Got a $20 tip!

Terminator

Norman!

Did you ever visit Bob Moore Farms? It's also called the international polo club.

My older brother ran it for 13 years.

[East_TX_Spa]

Norman!

Did you ever visit Bob Moore Farms? It's also called the international polo club.

My older brother ran it for 13 years.

No Stuart, I never heard of it.  I was only up there about a year.  I had a little girlfriend on the Shawnee Indian Reservation that I was pow-wowwing with at the time.  Was it really a polo club?

Terminator

[stuart]

He dang near had a heart attack from laughing.  His wife looked pretty mortified, though.  His daughter just kind of smiled and looked at my apron again.  Got a $20 tip!

Terminator

What you didn't say is that the check for dinner for the table was about $400!

No Stuart, I never heard of it.  I was only up there about a year.  I had a little girlfriend on the Shawnee Indian Reservation that I was pow-wowwing with at the time.  Was it really a polo club?

Terminator

Yep, it was a Polo Club…

[Guzz]

Great funny stories. Most of mine I can't tell (after 23 years in the Royal Navy I have a few) but here's one I can share.....I was practicing my golf swing in an open field when a lady let her dog off it's leash, the dog came bounding over and started jumping up at me. A couple seconds later the lady comes over, pulls the dog off me and says " Sorry, he's just after your balls." To which I replied, " Thats what I was afraid of."

[Chas]

You don't type with an accent at all.

[Guzz]

I can talk properly if needed.

[Lori]

What restaurant, Term??  I grew up in Newcastle, not far from Norman!  Although, it wasn't my family in your story, I would have remembered that!

[East_TX_Spa]

What restaurant, Term??  I grew up in Newcastle, not far from Norman!  Although, it wasn't my family in your story, I would have remembered that!

Lori, it was Cocina de Mino Mexican Restaurant.  I waited tables to try and earn money while attending OU after my cushy high-paying job evaporated.

I will say this, anyone considering a position in sales should wait tables as part of their training.  I really blossomed as far as being able to talk to people in a relaxed, considerate manner.

You will also gain a newfound respect for how hard some of these kids work for their tips.  Anytime I eat out and I get top-notch service, I will tip anywhere from 20-100%.

I was not a very good waiter in the sense as I chit-chatted a little too much instead of trying to turn the tables over like the boss wanted.  I also did not appreciate when someone thought that a .50 cent tip on a $40 meal was generous.  The after-church crowd was the WORST! (I guess they were tapped out after the offering plate had been passed)

Terminator

[Lori]

Ahhh, Cocino, one of my favorite places!!  

You are right, if you are going to work in ANY kind of customer service, you should have to wait tables!  I did my fair share!!

[salesdvl]

On a sports radio show here in the Chicago area the other day they were interviewing a football color commentator and they played a clip from one of his reports;  What he meant to say is that "the quarterback has to get the ball into the hands of the key players. " But what he said was: "The quarterback must gets his hands in the balls of the keys players."