News you will never use

[r100rs]

1.  Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"... and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language.

2.  The first couple to be shown in bed together on
prime time TV were... Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

3.  Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

4.  Men can read smaller print than women can;
women can hear better.

5.  Coca-cola was originally green.

6.  It is impossible to lick your eyebrows.

7.  The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work...Alaska.

8. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven...$6,400.

9. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness - 28%,
for North America it is 38%.

10.  The average number of people airborne over the U.S. any given hour....61,000

11.  The first novel written on a typewriter...Tom Sawyer.

12.  Each king in a deck of playing cards represents
a great king from history:

Spades     - King David
Hearts      - Charlemagne
Clubs        - Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

13.  111,111,111 squared = 1,234,567,898,7654,321.

14.  It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000
years ago that for a month after the wedding,
the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar
was lunar based, this period was called the honey month ... which we know today as the honeymoon.

15.  Q. Which day are there more collect calls than
any other day of the year?     A. Father's Day

16.  Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,
windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?     A. All invented by women.

17.  Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would
you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

18.  Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.

19.  Q. Most boat owners name their boats.
What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession.

20.  If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
has both front legs in the air--the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air--
the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground--
the person died of natural causes.

21.  Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and CharlesThomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

22.  In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on
bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

23.  In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly,
the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

24.  Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had
a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.


and Finally.....

75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow



r100rs
bored at work

[Spatech_tuo]

and Finally.....

75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

I did NOT try to lick my elbow. You 75% are pretty lame.


BTW, did you realize that "gullible" is not technically a word in the English language! For those who do not believe me, look it up in the dictionary!

4.  Men can read smaller print than women can;
 women can hear better.

... and we listen better too.

[Lori]

6.  It is impossible to lick your eyebrows.



75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow



r100rs
bored at work

I didn't try and lick my elbow.  My eyebrows, well...

[Dr. Spa™ Ret.]

#2 is also I believe incorrect. Ther Munsters beat I Love Lucy by 2 weeks.

[Chas]

So, to put it all together, as I often try to do:

The wife and I were in bed last night, and I put my Coke down on the nightstand by my Golf clubs, and handed her a love note I had just written. The print was so small she asked me to read it to her, but I didn't hear her request.

So I just lay there thinking about all those people flying over the folks walking to work tomorrow, when it hit me: Mark Twain often wrote while laying down - so that means that "Tom Sawyer" was actually the first Novel written on a Navel.

Well, at that point I realized the ropes holding our mattress were getting a bit slack, so I got up and began tightening. I spit into each hand, gave each eyebrow a quick lick, and began to tug. But, having forgotten that Mrs. Chas was in bed at the time, my first pull sent her flying. She sailed out the window and landed within fifty miles of her birthplace, and had to find a phone booth and make a collect call - it was Father's day - to have me come and pick her up. All she had with her was Monopoly money and a King of hearts.

Well, Mrs. Chas is a very forgiving woman, but since this wasn’t the first time this had happened, I thought I had better wear my bulletproof vest when I went to get her. I wore out a pair of windshield wipers on the way, but I did see a guy throwing his laser printer off the fire escape just in time to swerve. He had just been calculating the cost of ownership of his latest Obsession, I guess.

The guy in the car behind me was not so lucky, and just as I glanced in the mirror and noticed his unusual license plate number - 111,111,111 - the printer went through his windshield and smashed a mug of mead right out of his hand. He was left with a surprised look on his face, holding nothing but the handle of the mug. Fortunately, it had a whistle built into it, so he could call for help.

Since Mrs. Chas was born in a wilderness area of our country, it took me a while to get to her. She was glad I finally got there; I suppose... all she said was, "If they build a statue of you in the park, the horse is going to have both front feet off the ground."

It was very quiet for the rest of the trip home. I guess the honeymoon is over.






 

[Chas]

6.  It is impossible to lick your eyebrows.

Only if you leave them attached to your face.

[r100rs]

I stand corrected

r100rs

[Chas]

Do you actually type standing up?

Wow. My wife wants me to start burning more calories doing little things like that too. And dishes, vacuuming, washing her car, the laundry, etc.

[Chas]

More 'news you will never use," these from the military:

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - Gen. Macarthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan: 'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death .. I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. - (Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines
in the sky. (From an old carrier sailor)

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "What is that mountain doing up here?"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply, "I don't know, I just got here myself!" [Attributed to Ray Crandell Lockheed Test Pilot]

[saz]

More 'news you will never use," these from the military:

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

it's  a worry, isnt it

saz